Bahá'í Faith/Spouse Selection/Consultation

Questions to ask yourself and your potential spouse:
Do you consult often and well on matters?

Do those close to you and in whom you trust and respect support the marriage?

Do the individual and group subjective and objective data match?

Introduction
Consulting with one another, with family and friends, and possibly with professionals, is an important test of a good relationship. The people who should know you best and who should have your best interests at heart are your parents. It has become unfashionable to ask parents for permission to marry, but this practice has been prescribed by most religions and has been practiced in most cultures. All marriages suffer problems and need support, and the wisdom and support of your immediate families can be of great assistance. If they do not agree to the marriage, an important support will be missing, physically, psychologically, socially and spiritually.

Those who know you well and who love you often can see problems that you are overlooking in your desire to be married or in your state of love. If your family and friends do not approve or get along with your selected spouse, this is a sign that something is amiss. If your spouse does not approve of or get along with your family and friends, this is another sign of problems. The same is true for you and their family and friends. Consulting with family and friends, especially parents, is a symbol of your respect, love and gratitude for them, strengthens your bond with them and enlists their future aid and support.

In some countries the opposite condition occurs: the parents choose their children’s spouses and do not consult with them. The right to choose your spouse is important, but so is seeking your parents’ consent.

Consultation with others can make you more aware of your own strengths and problems, as well as those of your potential partner and the marriage. It can help you to be more certain that you are making a good decision. It will strengthen a good relationship and provide insight into issues for which you may be unaware. It also may raise questions that you can explore with yourself and your intended.

Some characteristics needed for consultation to be successful are love, humility, openness, frankness, detachment and objectivity. Sometimes these are difficult when we feel passionately about something or someone. These skills will be essential in solving problems in your relationship and creating unity, foundational factors for developinging and strengthening a happy and successful marriage. Being able to see your intended in consultation will give you some indication of how they will function in the marriage setting when you are required to consult on matters of mutual interest. It can demonstrate their ability to listen, share power, think through a problem, bring relevant facts to bear and arrive at a decision that observes the rights and prerogatives of all involved. A person who cannot patiently, carefully and dispassionately consider all aspects of a matter, will create difficulties when decisions have to be made. Consultation is a means of creating security, peace and tranquility in a family.

Every matter will have a subjective and objective dimension, as well as its individual and group dimensions. Consultation includes all dimensions. If you cannot agree on objective matters or if you see the world so differently that agreement is difficult, these are signs that achieving unity and harmony in the relationship will be difficult. Subjective methods of investigating truth, such as prayer, meditation, intuition, dreams and other sorts of guidance can assist in one’s search, but should be used in conjunction with more empirical, objective approaches.