Bahá'í Faith/Spouse Selection/Maturity

Questions to ask yourself and your potential spouse:
Do you behave responsibly as an adult?

Do reliable adults see you as physically, psychologically, socially and morally mature?

Do you have an understanding and comprehension of the realities of life, and the capacity for further development and understanding?

Can you handle difficult situations with maturity?

Introduction
Marriage is an important responsibility requiring a degree of maturity if it is to be successful. Family life, which normally comes soon after marriage, is an even greater responsibility requiring even greater maturation to be successful. Maturity can be considered from its physical, psychological, social and moral perspectives. Physical maturity is easy to discern and its standards generally accepted. Each higher level of maturity is more difficult to ascertain and there is less agreement on its characteristics. Ideas about the level of development needed for marriage differ from culture to culture and within cultures.

Different peoples and individuals mature at different times and in different ways. Maturation is a gradual and continuous process. Determining when you have reached a sufficient level of development for marriage is in itself a sign of maturity. Outside standards and references should be used to verify your judgments, as a symptom of immaturity is to believe you are more grown up than you really are. Seeking and being open to outside verification from reliable sources about your own development is a mark of adulthood.

The hallmark of adulthood is knowing and mastering your self. This insight and ability allow you to share yourself honestly and caringly with another, and to get to truly know and love them. The station of adulthood is that of true understanding and nobility. It is marked by a personal unity among our physical, psychological, social and moral faculties, as well as with our thoughts, feelings and actions.

Maturity has been much explored in each of these areas. It is well accepted that individuals go through fairly predictable and identifiable stages of growth. Each stage evolves out of the earlier ones and incorporates aspects of lower stages for its development. We can clearly see this process in physical development. The infant gradually grows to childhood and the adolescent is the outcome of the developed child. All of these less mature qualities evolve into the adult. The lines between the various levels of physical development we have identified are not clear. It is a gradual process that slowly takes on more characteristics of the latter while leaving behind those of the former.

As each subsequent level depends on the earlier levels, none can be skipped. You cannot go from infancy to adolescence or childhood to adulthood without passing through the intervening stages. This is important to understand that like physical growth, neither you nor your partner can be expected to leap ahead in development from psychological childhood to adulthood without going through the necessary growth and processes required.

Not only do these aspects of our nature go through developmental stages, they seem to be interrelated to one another. Psychological development grows out of and is related to physical development, as social does with psychological and moral with social. Though these can be seen as separate parts of our development, they depend on and affect the others. Examples of developmental theories in psychology are those proposed in cognitive, social-emotional and moral development. The different stages we go through in the process of becoming mature can be synthesized and summarized as follows: 1) pre-conventional, egocentric, impulsive; 2) conventional, ethnocentric, conformist; and 3) post-conventional, world-centric, autonomous. The higher the level of development the couples have reached, the better the chance for a happy and successful marriage.

It is possible to be developed in one area but not the others. The later and higher levels depend on and are affected by the lower levels. Many people who are physically mature lack psychological maturity and some who are psychologically and intellectually mature are limited in social development, and those developed in all the other areas may not possess well-developed moral-volitional capacities.

Physical-Material
Physical maturity is generally reached by the mid to late teens. Statistical data supports the hypothesis that the older you are when you get married, the more likely the marriage will be successful, that is, to last longer and be more satisfying to the couple. Physical age does not seem the important variable in these studies, rather the degree of psychological, social and moral maturity that generally comes with age. Some people achieve this stage at a young age, and some never seem to attain it though they are physically adults. The rule of thumb here might be to consider getting married at the youngest age at which you are psychologically, socially and morally mature enough to be successfully married, and to select a good spouse for marriage.

Certain physical and other skills associated with being an adult will be useful and needed by the couple to live a fruitful and productive life. The ability to earn a livelihood and to support others can be considered another mark of physical readiness for marriage. A person who has not adequately met their physical needs on their own, such as survival and safety, will have difficulty in meeting these basic needs in marriage. They will also be hampered in focusing on the higher order needs related to marriage and family.

Being able to control your physical desires, passions and impulses could be considered another aspect of physical maturity (see Chastity below), but both of these involve other aspects of being an adult as well. Just because someone has reached physical adulthood does not mean they are ready for marriage. Though this may be the first thing we look at, it is of the least importance. A physically healthy and attractive person may be disfigured and disgusting emotionally, intellectually, morally or otherwise and this may not be readily apparent.

Psychological-Intellectual
A sound mind requires a sound body in which to function. Psychological maturity is much more complex and harder to measure than physical maturity. It is also much more important. Psychologically we move through several stages related to various aspects of our character.

In cognitive development, Piaget found four generally accepted stages (scholars expand or divide them differently) with many sub stages that everyone goes through: sensorimotor, preoperational, concrete operational and formal operational. A person should be able to function at the higher stages that require logical use of symbols related to abstract concepts and a moving away from egocentric thinking. One may also consider the taxonomy of the cognitive domain as a standard for maturity. A more mature person would have greater facility using all the hierarchical levels of the cognitive domain: knowledge, comprehension, application, analysis, synthesis and evaluation. Each higher stage and level incorporates and transcends the lower one.

Self-regulation, the ability to set goals, self observe, self-assess and self-reinforce, is a key trait needed for successful life, learning and marriage. People with a high level of self-efficacy learn, grow and achieve more. They accept challenge, see themselves as capable, invest a lot of effort, use effective strategies to achieve their goals and persist in the face of difficulty. Assuming personal responsibility for your growth and development is part of maturity.

Maturity is highly related to self-understanding, which is related to intelligence, including its perceptual, emotional and other aspects. A sign of maturity is recognizing your limitations and your strengths--understanding yourself. It is also important to know your attitudes, values and perceptions. True understanding of self involves all aspects of self and can be aided through study of philosophy, psychology and religion. In the same way we are to know ourselves, we must also come to know and appreciate our spouse.

Social-Emotional
Knowing oneself is the foundation of any fruitful social relationship. Without self-knowledge, you will not be able to determine if the signs present in yourself or your relationship are pointing in the right direction. It is important to know how you deal with your emotions such as anger and disappointment.

Marriage is a social act and greatly affects society. Successfully fulfilling the roles of being a child, parent and grandparent, as well as sibling, cousin, spouse and community member are crucial to social development individually and collectively.

The ability to maintain healthy relations with others is essential in a good marriage. The capacity for kindness, compassion, friendship, companionship, fellowship and getting along with others are all indicators of maturity in this area. Marriage is about having all these qualities on a profound and ever-evolving level. The ability to collaborate, cooperate and consult with others to solve problems is a mark of maturity (see Consultation below).

A competitive attitude, especially in relationship with your spouse, is harmful. Being able to over look the shortcomings of others and focus on our own and to think not only of your self, but be concerned about the welfare of another is vital to a healthy relationship. Trust, consideration and ability to make and keep a firm commitment are foundational to a marriage.

Each party should be equipped in performing some socially redeemable service to society that can also contribute to the well-being of the marriage and family. Possessing civic virtues and the ability to contribute to the society in which one lives, as well as humanity as a whole, is a mark of social maturity.

Erikson's theory of social-emotional development is worth considering in helping to determine maturity and readiness for marriage. From this theory a person should have successfully dealt with the crisis to establish a healthy measure of trust, autonomy, initiative, accomplishment, and identity before they are ready for intimacy, the level at which a person develops the ability to give and receive love needed to begin making long-term commitments to relationships. This stage is followed by the stages of generativity, which relates to having a family, and integrity, an acceptance of the worth of one’s life.

Spiritual-Moral
Happiness and harmony in the marriage and family are directly related to the moral character and maturity of the individual. Every great wisdom and contemplative tradition recognizes that the foundation of all life is to be an ethical and good human being. The fundamental reality of an individual is recognized to be moral and spiritual. Marriage is essentially a sacred act that came into being and force through religion. The marriage bond is considered a divine institution, that promises blessings if carried out appropriately. Most civil laws regarding marriage have developed from religious traditions.

Morality is the most complex and subtlest of the signs of maturity, but also the most important. Moral maturity and a deep spiritual bond can sustain and nourish the marriage and the individuals in this world and may continue to do so long after the physical bond has been broken.

The superficial, material and trivial understanding of life that characterizes adolescence with its impetuosity and vehemence is superseded by a more comprehensive, spiritual and significant grasp of reality with its calmness and insight. A number of virtues are identified with spiritual maturity including patience, wisdom, forbearance, humility, selflessness and service (see Character below for a fuller description of these qualities). Being able to balance mercy with justice, freedom with responsibility and with excellence with humility symbolizes maturity.

Most religions would associate recognition of, acceptance of and obedience to a higher divine power as a mark of spiritual maturity. This is characterized as a spiritual transformation through a spiritual force that allows the person to transcend material concerns. Spiritual maturity results from following the spiritual practices found in the sacred scriptures, such as prayer, meditation, fasting, study and good actions. Having spiritual standards and adjusting your life to them bodes well for stable patterns of growth and relationships. Overcoming the ego and selfishness is one of the great challenges of adulthood, and marriage and family life are excellent laboratories for assisting in this process.

Achieving a successful marriage and spiritual maturity requires effort, sacrifice, wisdom and self-abnegation. Trustworthiness and truthfulness are the bedrock of all positive relationships and spirituality. Some agreeable level of equity and justice is necessary for a successful marriage. If either party unjustly and inequitably treats the other, disunity and distress will result. The pattern in most marriages, families and societies is that women are unfairly treated. Creating equitable relationships requires maturity of a high order. You and your partner being able to do this is an indication of maturity.

One may use the moral development theories to help determine moral maturity and readiness for marriage. Kohlberg’s (1984) theory of moral development has three stages (pre-conventional [egocentric], conventional [ethnocentric] and post conventional [world-centric]) and six levels or orientations (punishment-obedience, instrumental relativist, interpersonal concordance, authority and social-order maintaining, social-contract legalistic and universal ethical principle). Gilligan (1982) proposes that women make moral judgments based on care rather than justice found in Kohlberg’s theory, and suggests the following three stages: orientation to self (selfish), morality of care (care) and morality of nonviolence (universal care). Males and females seem to go through the same stages with different emphases on justice/rights and care/communion respectively.