Bahá'í Faith/Spouse Selection/Understands and Values Love, Marriage, Family Life and Children

Questions to ask yourself and your potential spouse:
Do you have a realistic understanding and appreciation of love, marriage and family life?

How much will you sacrifice to make the marriage and family successful?

What are your goals for marriage and family life?

How do you define love, marriage, family and happiness? What do they look like?

How strong are the characteristics of and barriers to romantic love mentioned below in your relationship?

Introduction
It is a bad sign for a good marriage if either you or your potential spouse does not have a basic understanding of what it means to love, be married and have a family. Some people may not know how to love or have a desire to be married and have a family. It is important that both partners have similar plans for the future, including whether or not they want children. You will need to sacrifice traits that may not be helpful to your relationship and desires that may interfere with the unity of the family, but you should not have to sacrifice your good qualities and principles. This issue will need to be addressed positively if one expects to have a happy marriage and healthy family life.

We are given many unrealistic and harmful ideas and attitudes about love, marriage and family through our culture and the media. Of the many ideas that seem to be prevalent and growing in the world that seem especially harmful, one is the construct of romantic love with its many fantasies, often now including the idea that there is only one true “soul mate” for each person. Neither science nor spiritual traditions support these notions as true or healthy.

Love
Love is the foundation of any successful relationship and the essential beginning point of a marriage. There are many types of love. The love that should be between two people is considered the most central, special, important and sacred in this world in this text, next to love for God. Any love for others must be based on a healthy and sound love for yourself. This is not an egotistical love, but an acceptance, respect, appreciation and caring for oneself.

Raymond Bergner in “Love and Barriers to Love: An Analysis for Psychotherapists and Others” (American Journal of Psychotherapy, Vol. 54, No. 1, Winter 2000) presents a summary of the literature of the characteristics of romantic love and the most common barriers to being able to love. According to Bergner, the characteristics of romantic love are 1) an investment in the well-being of the other, 2) appreciation and admiration of the other, 3) sexual desire, 4) intimacy and inclusion, 5) commitment, 6) exclusivity, and 7) understanding. This giving of honor, value and centrality to another person is the type of relationship upon which marriage is generally based. It allows us to transcend ourselves and become better, happier persons.

There are several barriers to love that we can consider in our partner and ourselves. The failure to understand or appreciate love or to see or treat others as people are two major barriers to love. There are a number of limited, maladaptive and pathological conceptions of love. Some people conceive love as only a feeling, not as a complex relationship of which feelings are only a part. Others define love in materialistic terms, such as meeting selfish needs. We may also see others as commodities, tools to satisfy our desires or to play roles in our lives. Lack of maturity, sound development and ability to overlook others differences and faults are also barriers.

The romantic love, infatuation, passion, obsession, lust and other forms of superficial attachments common today will not generally stand the test of facing the realities of marriage and family. That which causes the “love” passes. Another lover comes along that one imagines will better meet one’s fantasies or desires. Today they are lovers; tomorrow they are discarded and unwanted. These types of love seem to predominate in Western society, epitomized by the consumer culture with its latest fads and fashions mentality.

Marriage
Marriage is a responsibility that should be governed by the noblest of intentions. Marriage requires maturity and self-sacrifice by both parties. The vital significance of marriage and family on several levels is recognized in many cultures throughout history. Families are perceived to be the foundation of many communities and civilizations.

People who are married have consistently higher quality of life indicators: they are healthier, happier, wealthier and live longer. This correlation is true even in less successful marriages, but begins to break down as the marriage breaks down. As with most things in life, moderation is preferable. Desperation to be married too much can lead one to make poor choices. Sometimes we are so anxious to achieve our goal, that we fail to discern accurately the signs leading to it, and follow instead our desires and passions in the false hopes it will come out right.

Family
Marriage and family life are enjoined in all religions, not only for its spiritual benefits to the individuals involved, but for its social and personal advantages as well. Some believe marriage and the family seems to be the best condition for raising children and constitute the foundation of a stable society. Marriage and family life constitute the basis of the perpetuation of the human race and civilization. Though marriage and family as divine institutions have been recognized by every major religion, the forms and guidance about successful marriages and families by these religions have evolved as humanity has evolved. Some of the practices enjoined in older religions are no longer suitable for today’s conditions.

Having specific, immediate and challenging goals for marriage and family will increase the likelihood of your success. Goals help direct attention, mobilize effort, increase persistence and motivate strategy development. Sharing and comparing your goals with your friends will facilitate your understanding, refining and accomplishing them. They will help you in both direct and indirect ways.

The more time and effort you put into your goals, the closer you will come to achieving them. It needs to be an active process of continual progress, not one of sitting and waiting for the right person to come along. Learn from your mistakes. The more effort one makes, the greater they will progress. Set high goals, developing yourself and acquiring more capacity and virtues on a daily basis. Effective monitoring and feedback help goal attainment. Use both internal and external assessment to get feedback. Each day assess yourself on how well you are doing, the progress you have made and still need to make and periodically get feedback from a respected and reliable source.

Children
One of the key aspects of family is related to children. How many children do you wish to have? How do you wish to raise them? What kind of people do you want your children to become?

Children constitute an important part of a marriage from both a scientific and religious point of view. Most religions consider procreation the primary and sacred purpose of marriage. Raising children to be good is seen as a sacred responsibilities of marriage by religion and a civic duty by society.

How you wish to raise your children is a matter that will deeply affect the family and should be agreed upon as much as is practical before marriage. Deep differences in this area can lead to tensions, divisions and disintegration in the family unit.