Portal:Organic chemistry/Humor

Take a break and prevent your head from exploding.

Rules of the lab
1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

2. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.

3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.

4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.

5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.

6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.

7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.

8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.

9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.

10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.

12. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.

14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it. (Law of Spontaneous Fission)

Brief guide to scientific literature
It has been long known = I haven't bothered to check the references

It is known = I believe

It is believed = I think

It is generally believed = My colleagues and I think

There has been some discussion = Nobody agrees with me

It can be shown = Take my word for it

It is proven = It agrees with something mathematical

Of great theoretical importance = I find it interesting

Of great practical importance = This justifies my employment

Of great historical importance = This ought to make me famous

Some samples were chosen for study = The others didn't make sense

Typical results are shown = The best results are shown

Correct within order of magnitude = Wrong

The values were obtained empirically= The values were obtained by accident

The results are inconclusive = The results seem to disprove my hypothesis

Additional work is required = Someone else can work out the details

It might be argued that = I have a good answer to this objection

The investigations proved rewarding = My grant has been renewed

Synthesised according to standard protocols = Purchased

Phrases
Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!

Never replicate a successful experiment -Fett's law.

It takes alkynes to make a world.

A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.

Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!

Old Chemists never die, they just fail to react.

First law of Laboratorics: Hot glass and cold glass look alike!