Talk:Motivation and emotion/Book/2021/Torture motivation

Comment
Hi J.Payten I just changed the sentence casing for some of the subheadings (Evolutionary, Personality and Psycodynamic)under the heading of Psychological theory --U3185260 (discuss • contribs) 00:26, 27 August 2021 (UTC)

Heading casing
-- Jtneill - Talk - c 04:45, 4 September 2021 (UTC)

General edits
Hi. Saw you wanted feedback on the discussion forum. So here I am.

1. When you refer to alternative sources, you say "(see X)" I would consider revising this where possible to: "or the film, Saw" and in-text link the word "saw". The use of "(see X)" really interrupts the flow of the paragraph. I personally think it can be jarring especially when used to this extent. But again, just something to keep in mind.

2. Focus qn box is GREAT. I have seen 20 chapters thus far that don't make use of it. Well done. BUT mak=ybe consider adding an icon to it or change the way it looks to stand out more. Have a look at this chapter for an example: https://en.wikiversity.org/wiki/Motivation_and_emotion/Book/2021/Indigenous_Australian_well-being

3. Love that you used the BTK- fab example. I think this chapter would further benefit from some historical accounts of female serial killers who tortured before killing. I think people get caught up in the Hollywood-ness of serial killers (i.e., Bundy) and how 'male' they are. BTK is really popularised; steer toward providing the reader with new info! I would STRONGLY consider using this lady from the 15th C:

Elizabeth Báthory - Wikipediahttps://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Elizabeth_Báthory

4. Assuming the "Types of torture" heading is incomplete, if not, consider more info.

Well done. Loving this creepy topic; right up my street.

Hi J.Payten There is a movie called The Report which is available on Amazon prime and it's about the CIA using waterboarding as a form torture, I think this would be a really good addition to your chapter as it based on the actual the CIA's torture report, and it quite interesting to watch. --U3185260 (discuss • contribs) 01:24, 13 October 2021 (UTC)--

Feedback
Hi,

I saw the link to your chapter on the discussion page so I had a read of it and put in some clarification templates, but overall I was pretty impressed with your work so well done. Below is some general feedback, and a detailed list that relates to the clarification templates. The numbers are the order in which they occur in the text:

General Feedback:


 * The ‘Fun fact’ was a unique and interesting touch
 * Very well formatted with a clear, logical flow of concepts and ideas
 * Very clearly written and easy to follow and understand
 * You could potentially look at putting more references into some sections. I have been correcting errors in book chapters from previous years for social contributions, and many of the faults noted by the markers of these have been a lack of references for statements.

Detailed Points:

(U3186267 (discuss • contribs) 08:15, 7 October 2021 (UTC) = Username)
 * 1) “The horrific act of torture has many uses carried out by many users.” – Could this instead be “The horrific act of torture is carried out by different people for different reasons.”
 * 2) “see figure 1 of an ancient torture device used” – You can just put Figure 1 in brackets at the end of the sentence, I feel the descriptor sentence is unnecessary. E.g.  “…and right up until the 21st century (Figure 1).”
 * 3) “However, not so much evident now, but commonplace in Medieval times.” – A bit awkward. Perhaps could instead say, “However, while torture as a deterrence is not as prominent in society today, it was commonplace during Medieval times.”
 * 4) “…assumes that individuals are rational (Schönteich, 2002). Therefore, the majority of crimes that are irrational…” – As this is the same source, it may flow better if it was one sentence. “The idea behind deterrence assumes that individuals are rational, therefore, the majority of crimes that are irrational, do not meet the requirements for deterrence to occur (Schönteich, 2002).”
 * 5) “…assumes that individuals are rational (Schönteich, 2002). Therefore, the majority of crimes that are irrational…” – As this is the same source, it may flow better if it was one sentence. “The idea behind deterrence assumes that individuals are rational, therefore, the majority of crimes that are irrational, do not meet the requirements for deterrence to occur (Schönteich, 2002).”
 * 6) “(see figure 2)”. I believe the F needs to be capitalised when a figure is mentioned in-text.
 * 7) “…confessions, intel…” – I think using the full word ‘intelligence’ would be better here, as some readers may not understand the lingo, and it perhaps reads more professionally
 * 8) “…who was one of Rader's first kills…” – It may be better to use this person’s whole name as it is the first time they appear in text, and possibly even a clarifying statement. E.g., “…who was one of Dennis Rader’s (a prolific serial killer) first kills…”
 * 9) ”…hence hedonistic-lust motivated.” – ‘Motivation’ instead of ‘motivated’ may read better
 * 10) “…are the ultimate beings…” – Would personification, exemplification be better? "...psychopaths are the personification of P&C..."
 * 11) “Psychopaths also tick boxes of…” – Perhaps “Psychopaths also exhibit traits of…” would fit better
 * 12) “…describes these methods only…” – Slightly awkward
 * 13) “O'Mara supports this notion…” – Missing reference date

Feedback
Hi there!

Great job on the work you have put into the book chapter so far! I do have a couple of points that I hope help with finishing it off. Firstly, it might be a good idea to include a source for the definition that you provide at the start. I like how you've referenced both treaties and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. There is a comprehensive definition of torture in the Convention Against Torture which has been ratified by Australia ( https://www.ohchr.org/en/professionalinterest/pages/cat.aspx ). In Australia, torture is made illegal by domestic legislation such as Chapter 8 of the Commonwealth Criminal Code. Secondly, I would make sure that you're using language which is academic rather than colloquial. For example, you might consider finding a replacement for the phrase 'rollercoaster ride' to make the tone sound more professional. Finally, it might be good to outline what you mean by 'effective'. If the torture is used simply for punishment, that would make the mere act of inflicting pain and suffering on the subject effective, but I think you are talking more about torture for the purpose of gaining information.

Hope these points help :)

U3202904 (discuss • contribs) 12:29, 12 October 2021 (UTC)

RE: Zimbardo Video
Hey Josh,

I was just wondering if you'd considered adding this TedTalk "What makes people go wrong?" by Phillip Zimbardo as part of your book chapter? It's a really fascinating watch and I think it would make a great addition to add near the end? Maybe in a colourful round box like this?

https://www.ted.com/talks/philip_zimbardo_the_psychology_of_evil?language=en

--u3197931 (discuss • contribs) 23:51, 16 October 2021 (UTC)

-- Jtneill - Talk - c 09:15, 2 November 2021 (UTC)

-- Jtneill - Talk - c 09:14, 16 November 2021 (UTC)