User:CarrieBerg/Paranoia

Paranoia (par"ə-noi'ə) n. insanity marked by delusions of grandeur or persecution.

By looking at me you might not have guessed that I was deeply paranoid as a child. But then, most people didn't realize it even when I was a child. I would spend hours every day mapping escape routes in my head - and unlike most other children - I would actually practice them in reality.

I spent hours climbing out of windows, climbing down drainpipes from second story balconies, climbing up and down trees. I would even practice jumping from second story balconies, the tops of swing sets, or out of trees, in order to prepare for a hasty escape.

I was smart enough to know that adults would frown on these activities - so not only did I not tell them what I was doing, I would wait until my parents and/or the neighbor's parents were elsewhere before practicing my jumping. The few times I wasn't clever enough to schedule my activities for when they were gone, they were most worried. More worried that I'd hurt myself, then why I was doing it. The funny thing is, they never really asked me why.

The neighborhood boys, who were my friends, all thought it was great fun. It was fun for me too, but it was also more than a game. I seriously believed that I might need a hasty escape some day. That someone would be hunting me down and I'd need to leave fast. If I was lucky, I would have the time to climb. If not, I would have to jump. I knew jumping was the riskier choice, because I could twist an ankle or somehow damage my legs, which I needed for running. But I also knew that jumping was preferable to being captured.

I was worried I would be snatched and sent off a a lab for testing - something I really didn't want to happen. Or I'd be hunted down for what I was. What I am.

What am I? I'm psychic. My whole family is. And I had read too many books where the government kidnaps psychics and takes them off to secret labs for testing.

It is a legitimate fear. At least, it is for me. I still occasionally have nightmares about being hunted down for what I am. I used to have those nightmares all the time. They've lessened as I've aged. But they are still there. In the back of my mind. Waiting.

I certainly don't hide the fact that I'm psychic. During icebreakers, I always bring it up. I'd rather have people know. There are fewer misunderstanding that way. They can confront what they feel about psychics, and I can tell them what it is like.

Do want to know what it is like? To be set apart by an extra sense? Among other things, I'm an empath. I feel your emotions. Do you have any idea how awkward that can be? For years what I felt was not my feelings, but the feelings of people around me. It nearly drove me insane - until I figured out what was happening.

And please don't touch me. Don't take it personally if I flinch away, it's because touching me just makes what I'm feeling from you stronger.

So, is it paranoia if I am different from other people? If some of them do persecute me for what I am?

The funny thing is, the paranoia hasn't really gone away. It's still there, locked under my seemingly normal facade.

I still plan escape routes in my head.

And I can climb in and out of my current apartment.

Just in case.

.:.:.:.:.:.

It's true. I'm psychic. And I'm paranoid about being hunted down. But on to why I wanted to write this. Well, I had to run to catch the bus today. How does that relate? Well, I was running in a skirt. Which, when I was younger, I practiced. I can climb trees, run, and bike in long skirts - all because of my paranoia.

You never know when you might be taken - it could be after some fancy dinner. So I thought it best to be prepared for all situations. Which is also why I can run on ice, have a controlled fall/skid on ice, run on slick cobblestones, run in all types of footwear - my paranoid knows no bounds, but at least it is all semi-practical knowledge.

Oh, wait, I was supposed to write how a book personally affects me... Well, I admit, a lot of the main characters in books I read are also paranoid - usually with very good reason.

Currently, I'm reading the wonderful series by Brandon Sanderson about the Mistborn. I'm on the second book of the trilogy, The Well of Ascension. The main female character, Vin, is extremely paranoid - and reminds me very much of me. When she wears dresses, she makes sure that she can easily run, jump, and fight in them. Because you never know when someone will attack you.

The discussion in class today (June 3rd) certainly helped bring out my paranoid side (Who is watching over our actions? How many of us are being tracked for reasons we don't know?)

Which naturally led me to write this.