User:Lindsaysjol

But I guess that it comes with the territory; an ominous landscape of never ending calamity. I need you to hear, I need you to see that I have had all I can take and exploding seems like a definite possibility to me. So pardon me while I burst into flames. I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games. So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame. Pardon me, pardon me...I'll never be the same. Subscript text ~ Pardon Me, Incubus

This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. ~ Fight Club

the goal State the goal you had, which should be clear, specific, and actionable. My goal: I’ve never been able to be at ease and essentially, live for myself. I’m never able to relax, and I tend to beat myself up for my mistakes. I worry a lot; about tomorrow, today, the next hour. I worry that I won’t do well enough, in school, at work, and in my personal relationships. I guess you could say I’m somewhat of a perfectionist, a people pleaser. Worrying about what will happen next is my downfall. It makes me feel as if my head is in the clouds, that I’m not living for the moment because I’m too busy worrying about the next, that I’m catering to everyone else’s agenda.

Research My Life at the START (July) of I’ve Always Wanted To:

School: I’m finally starting school after wanting to for two years and never getting around to it. I’ve only realized my passion of creating art recently, but it feels I’ve known it deep down for years. This is such a refreshing start. There seems to be endless opportunities. I want to join every club I possibly can, and sign up for drawing classes. My life is definitely changing for the better. I feel like I’m bursting with energy. Anything can happen, and it will.

Relationships: My best friend and I are really connnecting, we just spent a whole day downtown, went to the art museum and talked for hours. I forgot how much I missed this. Looks like my ex-boyfriend and I may be getting back together soon, we are going to spend some time together when our schedules free up. My parents are happy for me, and I tune them out as they remind me of everything I need to do. They say it’s probably not a good idea to drive my car to school, that the bus will be less expensive. Ha, the bus. I’ve had some crazy experiences on buses. And the way that you stick to the seat on hot days does not sound attractive. My brother and I are starting to talk again, he finally got on meds after 3 years. Words can’t express how happy I am.

Why are you letting this madness go on? Because I think the harder I try, then eventually the outcome will be great.

Work. I love my new job at the Goodwill. I don’t like the taking breaks part, as my last job didn’t care. Having to slow down and sit still makes me feel unproductive.

(August) When I sit down and think about the truth, it makes me mad. When it’s said aloud, “I live for others, and therefore neglect myself”, I can even now feel my cheeks burn hot with embarassment. I’m not sure when I forgot about myself, but in going back to school I think I’m starting to realize it even more. This is the only thing I’ve done for myself in so, so long.I’m angry at myself, and I don’t know what to do with it.

I’ve been trying to overcome this anger by trying even harder to keep everyone happy. And most of the time, it back fires, bad. My heart got set on big plans with Mel and she broke them, so I’ve got this anger towards her for not realizing how important they were to me.

Josh and I got back together and broke up at breakneck speeds. Apparently he’s jealous and takes it out on me. I just feel lost.

Work is my release but it turning into a place where I can analyze and worry about the day before. School is not going well, I’m struggling to stay awake at night to finish homework. I’m getting really unorganized.

I started seeing a counselor at school, and he was trying to teach me relaxation techniques. He told me to take deep breaths, holding for two, then letting out for two. I couldn’t hold the breaths even that long, and my breaths were really shallow. I kept tyring, and I just couldn’t.

He asked me a little bit about my life, and brought it to attention that it sounds like I don’t get any “me-time” to nurture myself. I used to do yoga everyday, but with school and work ther is no time. I find myself getting less and less sleep trying to do homework at the same time. With his help, I’m making some major changes in my life.

Work is going from 36 hours a week to 18. Wow.

I’m doing yoga in the mornings now.

I’m writing lists of what I need to do the next day each night.

I’m losing the boyfriend situation

I’m going to think of things to do with Mel. Maybe go canoeing.

I’m starting a character journal.

I’m reading up on cognitive behavioral therapy, relationships, bettering myself as a person with self-help books. I never thought I would do this.

My Accomplishment Detail. How far did you get toward your goal? Demonstrate. If you’ve made something, show it for the class. If you’ve read or written something, read a little of it aloud. If you’ve learned to do something, do it.

My goal of working toward ease in life, a sense of well-being is a never-ending one. I’m here because I’m doing the best I can, and that’s all that I can do. The difference now is, I know that the best I can do is the best that I can do. And I move on to the next thing.

I got farther than I could ever imagine with my goal of focusing on myself, rather than everyone else. I feel like things, no matter how they turn, are going to be ok. I now force myself to think about the present moment, and what I can do right now to make things better.The biggest accomplishment during all of this wasn’t about relaxing enough to smell the rose, but most of all it was relaxing enough to allow myself to be me.

I opened up to my Dad, the most closed up of closed up people, just poured out my heart, swear words and all, the obscene and the guilty. I couldn’t stop talking. I didn’t care what he thought of me for once in my life. Once I stopped talking and decided to care, I opened my ears for his heartfelt advice. And took it toheart. He told me I needed to stop holding back, to share my thoughts with people and fight for what I really wanted in life. It was like a chain reaction. As soon as I opened up to my hyper-Christian Dad, I wrote a letter to someone I had pushed away unknowingly. I had a major breakthrough, this was my epiphany, my “a-ha” moment. An excerpt from the letter:

I know a lot about betrayal, just like you. I’ve been betrayed by every friend and every lover. I’ve had to start over with only myself more times than I would like to admit. It’s easy to find party friends, and guys that want to date you, and acquaintances. It’s so much harder to find real friends who open up their hearts and let you in to their innermost thoughts and feelings. It’s lonely having to keep people at a distance, it’s even lonelier when you know you’ll never open up to them. It’s haunting to think of what could have been said and done. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I think I try to pretend like I am, and I keep only running back into myself because of it. I’ve never been one to ask for help in my life, or admit to the problems I have, and I’ve always been ok. But that’s not the case anymore. I had a chance to open up to you about my hopes and worst fears, and I didn’t because I was shit-scared.. I had a chance to open up to you about my feelings, and I didn’t because I let my pride take over instead. I have a lot of walls. I know that I its time I start really breaking them down, especially when I get the opportunity. Multiple times I thought of never giving the letter, that a sorry and explanation wasn’t needed, that it would only piss them off even more. It took great restraint to not somehow destroy my cellphone at the feeling of suspense, wishing it to stop turning my stomach over, when I had when waiting for a response. It was extremely uncomfortable at first, But in those moments before I got a reply, I began to feel lighter and lighter. I had given my all, and it was what I felt was right to do. I owed that person an explanation, they weren’t to be placed with blame. I owed it to myself to explain when I wanted to. I’ve had more fun in the past few weeks doing silly things that I never gave second thought to. I have a lot of ideas that I don’t share with others out of being uncomfortable just at the thought of doing so. I’ve had countless personal talks with friends, and family now, and I’m happy to say the result has only been positive. It has shown me that only in opening myself up can I be fully loved by others, and also myself. When you accept yourself as you are, or throw your balls to the wind, as they say, life holds mass appeal and less worry. There will always be good easy, comfortable times in life, but it’s only in triumph over adversity, which is more often than not our very selves, that we really grow. A seed of courage was planted when I made the decision to open up to my dad. It grows and thrives when I shock myself by being myself on a daily basis. Never again will the premise of fear hold me back from what I really want, because fear to me is not an obstacle, it is a now undisguised motivation to achieve. Anything that’s worth having is going to be hard to get, as they say. My Character Journal allowed me to analyze activities that took place when I adapted a ‘Fuck It’ mentality.Some of my adventures: August 22nd Today I cried into the phone as I expressed my heartbreak over that one guy who sucks at life. I don’t think he could make out half the things I said, but I’m still glad he listened patiently. “Any time”, he said afterward. He just went up 5 points in my book. We decided that my idea of destruction therapy to take my anger out would happen Saturday. It ended up being in the dead of night, with a broken T.V. I got the great idea to blast Metallica from my car stereo as we were parked next to a small bridge. The metal bat we had did it’s damage, but just wasn’t satisfying enough. The crazy-loud crash of the T.V’s screen shattering as we heaved it over the railing sent adrenaline running through my veins. Picturing it, I laugh out loud. Us running at inhuman speeds as we raced back to my car, the night dead still in contrast to the car-crash loudness of the T.V. hitting the pavement My heart pounding, I turned my car’s keys in the ignition, and sped away, the engine as alive as I felt. I don’t think the blood pounding in my ears quite went away for a half-hour or so. August 5th When I’m in a bad mood, I have a way of projecting that onto other people. Sometimes I catch myself at work, but it’s so hard to fake a smile when it’s not real. I started thinking that work wasn’t so bad, it was fun when I let it be. I have the most fun talking to people, like the elderly asian couple with their dirty mind’s, joking that I ‘too young’. Or the high-strung lady who offered detailed advice on how to avoid mold, anywhere. How about the girl dressed inn a fairy outfit who magically found a porcelain figurine I had taken out of the display case, who proceeded to hold it to her mouth, and play a tune, straight Ocarina style??? Or the guy who’s hands shook as I sold him a 5,000 dollar WWII Kodak camera, leather case and all, for 7.99? I have never seen such gratefulness. No wait, I have. I sold a guy a bong the other day. I didn’t realize what it was, just thought that the hollowed out bamboo stick with the extra parts was a vase or something. It wasn’t until I turned it over and over in my hands that the thought came to me. I looked at the guy, asking him if he knew what in fact it was, and he smiled knowingly, all nonchalant. Cashier instinct on impulse, I told him I didn’t think I could sell it to him. The look of disappointment that passed over his face was only there for half a second, as I changed my mind, handing it back to him. “Fuck it”, I said to him, handing it back. Weed makes people happy. Who was I to destroy another man’s happiness, if only fleeting?

"In spite of everything, let's. ~ Vincent Van Gogh

September Life Drawing has allowed me to let go and allow my creativity to take over. I’m addicted. The same goes for canoeing. These are both forms of therapy I can’t believe I didn’t try sooner.

August 7th I tried eel today, and it was ok until I found out what it was. I thought, no, that’s stupid, I just tasted it and it was good. I dunked it in soy sauce and shoved it into my mouth, and chewed it as fast as I could regardless, all the while thinking of happy things like burgers and steaks. It was almost good. At least I tried it. I’m proud. August 11th I made an effort to make conversation with everyone I encountered at work today. I was putting away purses, when Susan, a lady with an intent look on her face as was common among the Treasure Hunters, strolled by, pausing to look at a purse. She threw me a startled look when I asked how she was. We went on to talk about skirts, her travels in the mid-west, and people. She told me she was surprised that I, being so young, stopped to take the time to talk to her. She said it made her very happy, asked me my name, and introduced herself. When is it a dept. store employee, ever cares genuinely who you are and what you’re all about? I love my job, and that’s all the difference, and in talking to the woman, making a connection, made time fly by. August 26th You know how we all tell people we are there if they ever need, but just to be nice? What we mean is that we are there for 10 min max, and only more if what they have to say is interesting to us, and only if we are not busy at the moment. Well my friend Christian dumped his sensitive feeling-a-plenty on me the other night on messenger. I was so tempted to not deal with it, to just pretend I wasn’t actually on, as I’d heard his feelings just two days ago. I decided to hear him out, and found that in listening to him, I understood what he was going through and offered my sincere advice. She’s just not that into you, and you’re making yourself look desperate. It’s annoying, stop, I said. We spoke so long into the night, on messenger, and on the phone, me trying to comfort him, I’m not sure when I fell asleep. I do know that I had breakfast for once. I was munching on granola the last I remembered before waking up, and woke up swimming in it. Don’t fall asleep while snacking.