User:MSB/HWR-SUP-WS12

This wiki page is for comments, images and discussion on the supervision internship course at the Berlin school of economics and law in the winter term 2012. See also the more detailed page from summer term 2012.

Assertiveness — 18.-25.10.12
For details, see the excellent wiki article on assertiveness.

23.10.: I was as impressed by your stories this week as last week. You really put your back into these! Some of my comments on "assertiveness" examples provided by you in the forum this week may help to further clarify the issue:
 *  Boss calmly responds to an aggressive, threatening client:«My own definition of assertiveness is somewhat more restricted [than in your example]: I see it as nothing else but an attempt to communicate the existence of boundaries to someone who violates them. It sounds like that's what the client at least tried to do to your boss. What you boss did is, however,  more than mere assertiveness: it is negotiation tactic. We'll get to that, especially when we talk about dealing with negative types (this client counts as a negative type). It's important to understand though that assertiveness never is a guarantee to get what you want. When negotiating however that is what you're trying to do. In assertiveness you are only trying to communicate who you are, what you like and don't like, etc.»
 * Lack of assertiveness when feeling not entitled:«I think you're absolutely right with your inference that your much weaker and much less assertive if you don't feel entitled or deserving or justified in what you want. That's why in proper assertiveness training people spend significant time on looking at their rights as employees, people, women, people of [insert minority], etc.»
 * Courage to directly address needs to one's boss:«Great example and obviously an ongoing challenge for you (and without doubt for many others). In your reflection you seem to suggest that being direct and clear about your needs would be your desired approach. As I said, if you feel that you can be direct about your needs and wishes, do it. And if you've never done it it is always worth trying to do it. However, the other party may have multiple and subtle ways to let you know that it's not all right for you to be direct. In these cases you may have to  move on to one of the other techniques like "fielding" (essentially this is repetition of the shortest possible message you wish to send). Or to even more sophisticated methods. If on the other hand a boss, say, is subtly manipulating you (for example to feel that you never work enough even though you work your ass off) then you may have to deal with him as a "negative type". We'll be looking at that in a later session. In any case: good luck. — One more thing: of course you can tell your boss what you should or shouldn't do. That's not assertive however. "You" messages never are. Only "I" messages  can be assertive because it's about your boundary and need. That's not the same thing. It's different if I say "you must support me more", or "I need more support". These two statements lead to completely different discussions even though admittedly they sound very similar.»
 * Compassion as a requirement for assertiveness?«I can understand the point you make [people need to be able to see things from another person's point of view] however fortunately this kind of mutual understanding is not a condition for assertiveness. The responsibility for assertive behavior only lies with you and nobody else. What you're talking about is rather what I would call "adult" behavior is supposed to childlike or parental behavior. But that's yet another  model which we will talk about...
 * Challenging a person who has hurt you: «I really appreciate your openness in this forum and I'm impressed both with your level of reflection and with your way of handling the situation which is not easy. Strictly speaking, only the first part of your private talk with that woman counts as the "assertive" part — including the fact that you challenged her to a direct exchange on how her hurting you made you feel. The second part of your talk where you told her  what might become of her etc. is not assertive,  but rather aggressive. I guess she had it coming since she attacked you pretty badly. That doesn't devalue the rest of the interaction especially in the light of your overall result which is the sense of balance. When someone has hurt us badly we do also need to get that sense of balance. Ideally by getting back at them a little less hard than they did so that the interaction can de-escalate rather than escalate. In any case, well done!»
 * Showing anger after a betrayal:« Showing your anger is not as such non-assertive though you may be right in your inference that it may have made him weaker (not having the anger, which can't be helped, it's just a feeling, but expressing it). However, if you can manage to express your anger in a nonaggressive way (that sounds almost like a contradiction, doesn't it), for example by simply saying "I'm really angry that I couldn't go to this event." The second part of your recommendation for your colleague could also be handled assertively (for example by directly saying what he would like in the future) or non-– assertively (for example by threatening him with consequences).»
 * Assertiveness and competition:« I can see why you're saying that in a competitive business assertiveness is clearly very important: the more competition, the more pressure on everyone involved and the more pressure, the more likely the participants are to tolerate boundary violations. Regarding your question, if being defeated in an argument automatically means that you have behaved non-assertively: I should think not, because assertiveness does not guarantee victory. Assertiveness is a communications strategy to protect your own interests and your sanity. Meaning, especially in a very competitive situation: if you find that it is too difficult to assert yourself towards peers, clients, bosses etc. it might be time to leave, because not being able (or loud) to assert yourself is no different from having no rights, that is being a slave.»

... and more assertiveness — 31.10.12
The course is coming along very nicely: I'm particularly impressed with the quality of your forum contributions. We've already made the experience over the past three years that the forum quickly turns into a valuable resource of stories, advice and feedback. But I cannot remember a group that has so quickly reached such a relatively high level of discourse.

In this week we've now finally fully got underway with role-plays. In the lunchtime session, we looked at an assertive way to deal with your supervisor and the group came forth with a couple of excellent suggestions for the intern.

In the evening session, we discussed a tricky situation where an intern had to decide if he should cover up for a colleague who had not done his job properly. Being the company's first intern in a "dynamical" (that means time pressured, fast moving) environment, the situation suggested that he could think about his versus the company's priorities. If he chose to adopt the company's priorities this might set him on a path where further down the line he might have difficulty being himself. In general you should begin as you intend to continue, however it is perfectly all right to experiment with different responses to the challenges of your environment.

In the evening sessions role-play, an intern presented us with a challenging problem: her assertiveness skills were challenged when management asked her to perform a critical duty which was most likely beyond the skills (but which fell to her because of her seniority). After the role-play in which both I and the manager were particularly challenging, making it difficult for the student who played the intern to respond (she managed beautifully to hold her own), we were told that in real life an office buddy had come to the rescue of the intern— a most satisfying ending!

All three situations showed that assertiveness remains an important skill in the workplace and that at the same time the internship is an excellent place to practice different responses and check in with yourself: how was that for me? Can I imagine doing this every day? Etc.